How to Talk About Hard Things With Your Spouse

I know we don’t usually discuss marriage topics, but I think this is an important one to write about. As a parent, your relationship with your significant other is crucial to the overall health of your family, and to the health of your kids.

 

Something my husband and I had to learn early-on in our marriage was how to talk to each other about hard things. When we got married, we thought we knew how to talk to one another. But we quickly learned that we still had a lot to learn! We found it difficult to be completely open with each other about things that bothered us, mistakes we made, things we needed, etc.

It is vitally important for married couples to talk, talk, talk to each other- about everything! It can get easy to keep things to ourselves- anything from something our spouse did to annoy us to a mistake we made that our spouse should know about. When you’re tempted to keep things from your companion, remember this: Secrecy destroys intimacy.

 

Based on what I have learned in my few years of marriage to my hubby, combined with principles I studied in my field in college (Marriage and Family Studies), I’ve come up with a few tips to help couples communicate with each other effectively. (Actually, these tips can be applied to dating and engaged couples as well!)

 

-Find a setting that works for you both and set safe boundaries.

Sometimes it’s appropriate to bring things up right away, and other times it’s better to wait until later. For example, it probably isn’t appropriate to bring up to your spouse something about your sexual relationship when you’re at the store together…. However, it would be totally appropriate to tell your spouse while you’re at the store together, that you have something on your mind that you want to talk about later at home. Find a place that works for you both, a place that makes you both feel safe and calm. It can be harmful if spouses bring up sensitive or difficult topics around other people, including their children. (I do believe that it’s healthy for kids to occasionally witness their parents disagreeing (or even arguing) if the parents show that they try to solve the disagreement/problem together, and always with respect toward each other.) For instance, if you chew your spouse out while at dinner with your parents, your spouse will probably feel embarrassed! Talk to each other about what settings you prefer for discussing relationship things. The bottom line: Be sensitive to your spouse’s feelings and be aware of who’s watching when you’re talking about difficult things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-Don’t be threatening.

Your spouse is most likely to listen to you and less likely to get defensive if you approach them in a kind, calm way. Obviously, sometimes topics need to be brought up immediately when you may not have time or opportunity to compose yourself just right. But it is important that you try to make your partner feel safe- not attacked.

-Show that you’re a safe confidant.

The way you react to the things your spouse tells you will set a precedent; the way you react will ultimately encourage or discourage your spouse. Of course, it’s okay to let your spouse know when they have hurt you, but there is a difference between making your feelings known and freaking out. Even though it can be really hard to do, it is important that you try to show your spouse that you are someone they can come to for ANYTHING. If they can’t come to you, then who else??? Each couple is different, so I won’t say that there’s a specific way you should react in order to keep your marital trust in tact. But, here’s a simple tip: Think about how you would want your spouse to react to you if the roles were reversed.

-Have realistic expectations.

I’m not a believer of NO expectations (some believe that expectations are a no-no because they will ultimately not be met and therefore cause disappointment and resentment). I’ve adopted the philosophy that people are entitled to expect certain behaviors from their companions in life (such as respect, kindness, and support), but that these expectations should be realistic. If it is extremely important to you that you work outside of the home after having kids, then make sure your spouse understands this need of yours and make it known that you expect support in this decision. (Hopefully spouses have already talked about these kinds of things before the wedding day. 🙂 ) Don’t be afraid to make your needs and desires known; but remember that you are in a partnership with your spouse, so you need to also be respectful of and willing to understand their realistic expectations and needs.

-Remember that your spouse CANNOT read your mind.

Do NOT assume that your spouse will just magically know what you need! This is not a realistic expectation. Even though your spouse knows you better than anyone else, you do not share a brain; you need to be open with your spouse about what you’re thinking, feeling, and doing.

 

 

Sometimes spouses have to talk about not-so-fun things. And that’s okay. That’s part of marriage, and part of life! Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable to each other! Vulnerability can bring you closer together and encourages intimacy. Rely on each other as you navigate the journey of life together!

 

 

 

Valentine’s Gifts on a Budget

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner! I feel like there is a lot of marketing pressure to extravagantly proclaim your love to your significant other. But Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to break your bank. This article has mostly suggestions for couples, but first a word about Valentine’s cards for school kids.

Did you know you can get Valentine’s cards at the dollar store? This is our first year with a preschooler, so we got a pack of 30 cards (which will last us 2 years) for just $1. They had a great selection and the cards either came with stickers or temporary tattoos. It took my son a while to choose because he loved them all. They also have cute little Valentine’s mailboxes all ready to go at Dollar Tree.

Okay, now back to couples. Since Valentine’s Day is a couples-centered holiday, here are three ways you celebrate without overspending.

Set a Budget

This is kind of a no-brainer, but set a budget for any gifts or treats given on Valentine’s Day. Maybe one year you really can’t afford to spend any money on Valentine’s Day, and your gifts are homemade. Maybe another year the budget is $30. Either way, set a budget and stick to it.

Split the Work

I know a couple that takes turns planning Valentine’s Day and their anniversary every year. This means that one year the husband is in charge of Valentine’s Day, while the wife plans for their anniversary. The next year the wife is in charge of Valentine’s Day, and the husband focuses on their anniversary. This is a great way to cut costs of gifts because only one spouse (instead of two) is giving gifts on those days. My husband and I decided to celebrate “Korean-style” where I give him gifts on Valentine’s Day, and he gives me gifts a month later on White Day. This works out especially well for me because he gives me lots of discounted Valentine’s Day chocolate the next month!

Make an I Owe You (IOU) Book

Get a cheap photo book from the store of your choice, cut up some paper, and get to work. I’ll let you figure out your own “sexy” IOUs, but if you want suggestions for some general IOUs, here are some that work for both genders:

• Massages (feet, back, neck, hands, etc). I’d recommend adding a time limit.
• Favorite homemade meal (could apply to breakfast, lunch, or dinner).
• Sweet treat (homemade or you can do a “craving run” to the store when they would like).
• Hobby break. Does your spouse love to play sports or do something crafty but never has the time? Make time for them to do one of those things!
• Venting session. I know that men are less likely than women to vent about things, BUT a fifteen minute venting session about work might be just what he needs.
• You pick the movie night. My husband and I don’t always share the same movie interests, although we like watching movies together. This way one of the spouses gets to watch their favorite show with their favorite person.
• Nap time. Let your spouse take an uninterrupted nap!

Looking for more budget Valentine’s gift ideas? Here’s a list of 10 cheap or free gifts from our friends at RedTwoGreen.

Why Should You Put Your Spouse Before Your Kids?

 

I am a firm believer that our marriages should be the relationship priority in our lives. Yes, our role as mothers is crucial and demands and deserves our whole hearts. But the interesting thing about raising kids is that they don’t just need a caretaker; they need parents who love and respect each other.

Our kids sense things that we don’t think they can. For instance, how Daddy treats Mommy. And how happy Mommy is. They yearn for the stability and comfort of parents who laugh together, play together, cherish each other, and show physical affection.

So often our marriages take a back seat to parenting after kids come along. But this is very dangerous. You and your husband founded your family. It is because of you that your children exist. And the children won’t be around forever. If you neglect your marriage while you are raising kids, what happens when these children leave home and it’s just the two of you again?

Bottom line: Your spouse should come before your kids.

An article on FamilyShare.com, written by a marriage and family therapist and an author (husband and wife) shares four reasons why it’s important for spouses to put each other first:

1. “Your children need to see how marriage works
2. “It creates a feeling of romance in your marriage
3. “Children who are continually number one become self-centered
4. “It helps everything else in your life go better”

(4 key reasons, Lundberg).

The way I see it, no matter how good of a parent you are, YOU will be happier, more fulfilled, and less stressed if YOU have a healthy, stable, loving relationship with your partner.

So what things can us as mothers do to put our husbands FIRST? Here are some ideas:

1. Always greet and say goodbye to each other with a kiss.
2. Be excited when your spouse gets home, and talk to each other about your day.
3. Go on regular dates with each other. (At home dates count too, as long as they’re deliberate!)
4. Strive to come to a consensus about all of the big decisions in the family. And tell your kids that you and your spouse discuss things with each other before making big decisions. Make it known to your kids that you two are always on the same page and that you cannot be divided.
5. Take care of yourself enough to feel good about yourself. This helps your self-esteem overall and can help you feel more up to spending quality time with your spouse.
6. Keep the spark alive in your relationship in simple ways, like writing him love notes, instigating intimacy, and talking about things he enjoys.
7. Be open and honest with your spouse about your feelings, your hopes, your dreams, your fears, your frustrations, your desires… Everything.

I also have some ideas on how you can make date night a priority in your marriage! This is something my hubby and are I always trying to work on. We LOVE date night, and we honestly try to make it happen, even if we can’t do it every single week.

For one thing, The Dating Divas are an amazing resource for all things “dating your mate”!

Another suggestion I have is to start a date swap. This is such a fun way to go on dates, save money, and get to know other families! Ask a family that you already know well enough (you want to feel comfortable letting your kids be babysat by them), and set up a schedule where you trade date nights. If you do it every weekend, one couple gets Friday night and the other couple gets Saturday. The couple taking their turn babysitting watches your kids for you, for FREE, while you go on your date. Then when you swap, you watch the other couple’s kids while they have their date night. Pretty simple, right??? I think the hardest part is finding a couple that you know and trust enough to set this up with. And these date swaps are definitely easier to with a couple that lives fairly close to you.

Our marriages are SO important, not just for us, but for our children as well. Balancing everything in life is hard, but these important relationships (marital and family relationships) are always worth the effort, dedication, sacrifice, and perseverance.

Here is another article on strengthening marriage while being parents:

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/marriage-challenges/maintaining-your-marriage-when-you-become-parents

 

How to Help Your Relationship Survive Pregnancy

Continuing the topic of “How to Help Your Relationship Survive,” today I’m addressing How to Help Your Relationship Survive Pregnancy. Yes, before you survive the new baby phase, you must first survive pregnancy.

Pregnancy is different for every woman. Some couples may find that there is very little adjustment needed during a pregnancy. Others will have to make drastic adjustments. In my case, helping my relationship make it through pregnancy was just as hard as the newborn phase.

For the first three months of my pregnancy, I felt bipolar. There would be days where I could function as I had pre-pregnancy, and there were days I spent curled up in a fetal position for hours. The days I felt good I would be happy and cheerful, but the days I felt bad I would be withdrawn and depressed. It was very hard for my husband to adjust to this “new me.”

While some women experience cravings, I had “anti-cravings.” Everything sounded disgusting. My husband would suggest all sorts of food, including things I used to love, and it all sounded like vomit.  This meant that while we used to enjoy cooking and eating meals together, my husband was now eating alone. I would usually sit in another room (depending on the smell of dinner) or watch him eat because I felt too nauseous.

Please imagine for a moment what that must be like for a husband. His wife, with whom he usually enjoys spending time, is suddenly depressed and withdrawn. She won’t eat. She isn’t really up for anything because she is too sick. What do you do?

Over time, we agreed to do some things differently to help resolve tension:

• My husband would stop suggesting food. If I wanted something, I would get it myself or request it.
• If I was crying (which happened a lot) and my husband wanted to help, he could hold me or rub my back. A lot of times guys just need a task to do to feel like they are making a difference. One of my friend’s husbands would hold her hair out of the way while she vomited into the toilet. It sounds disgusting, but it meant a lot to her.
• We would not compare my pregnancy to other women’s pregnancies. Some men may have a certain expectation of pregnancy based on what they saw their moms/sisters/aunts experience. As emphasized above, every pregnancy is different. Don’t expect your pregnancy to be the same as other women, or even the same as your last pregnancy! Letting go of preconceived pregnancy notions helped us to not get frustrated with what I had to go through.
• We would make the most of the good days. We still were able to have fun that summer. We went to a water park, we hosted group dates, we created and filmed a pregnancy announcement. When I was finally feeling better, we went on a “Baby-Moon.”
• I would do my best not to resent my husband for being healthy. I would not blame him for “getting me pregnant”, since it was a mutual decision. I dislike hearing woman accuse their spouses of “You did this to me!” as a way to justify their peevish behavior towards their husband. I don’t think husbands plan to make their wives miserable by getting them pregnant.  They probably don’t know exactly what their wives will suffer while pregnant. Sometimes women don’t even know what to expect when pregnant.
• We would be flexible with our sex life. In case you didn’t know, a woman’s sex drive changes throughout pregnancy. In the first trimester women usually don’t want to have sex because they feel so rotten. Many women experience increased libido during the second trimester. And then when you get to the third trimester, you’ve got a ginormous bump to work around.  One thing that really helped us was listening to YOU: Having a Baby: The Owner’s Manual to a Happy and Healthy Pregnancy on audio tape as we commuted to work. They have a whole chapter dedicated to sex.
• We would be flexible with our sex life. In case you didn’t know, a woman’s sex drive changes throughout pregnancy. In the first trimester women usually don’t want to have sex because they feel so rotten. Many women experience increased libido during the second trimester. And then when you get to the third trimester, you’ve got a ginormous bump to work around.  One thing that really helped us was listening to YOU: Having a Baby: The Owner’s Manual to a Happy and Healthy Pregnancy on audio tape as we commuted to work. They have a whole chapter dedicated to sex.

While my post has mostly addressed the issues arising out of the first trimester, I feel like a lot of the principles apply throughout pregnancy. Women will experience different physical changes, all which may affect their relationship with their husband. That’s why it’s important to be open with your spouse about what you are going through, so you both can adjust accordingly.

Pregnancy was rough on our relationship, but we survived! And you can too.

How to Help Your Relationship Survive a New Baby

*This post contains affiliate links.

We’re going to talk MARRIAGE here today! Here’s a scenario:

You fell in love, you got married, and then you decide it’s time to grow your family. You find out you’re pregnant; maybe it takes a while, maybe it happens quickly. The nine pregnancy months are, well, a roller coaster, but you can’t wait to meet your new baby! You give birth, and you fall in love all over again- but this time with a squishy, tiny person. You and the tiny person start to become acquainted with each other: you snuggle; you feed; you change diapers; you cry; you stare in awe; you beg him or her to please, PLEASE sleep; you snuggle some more…….. WAIT!
…

What? How did you get here?? Who’s that guy lying in bed next to you??? Ohhh yes! It’s your husband! That guy you married, the guy you fell in love with first!

Becoming a new mom is freaky. It’s a wonderful time but it’s also a whirlwind. And depending on the pregnancy/birth, the recovery time after the baby’s born can make a new mom feel like her body will never be “normal” again! (Thankfully, it DOES recover. 🙂 ) A woman with a new baby experiences huge changes in her body and mind, and even in her spirit. Becoming a mother (whether for the first time or for the tenth) is a special, personal experience for a woman; but becoming a mother doesn’t mean that a woman should give up or forget her identity as a woman, wife, friend, etc. The most important relationship a new mom has is with her husband, and here’s why:

-He came into her life before the baby did
-He did half the work in making the baby
-He is her equal partner, her teammate, and she needs him
-Children feel more secure when their parents love and respect each other
-He loved her first and wants her to be happy

So, if you’re a new mommy and you’re wondering why things feel different between you and your spouse:

The “transitional” time- the period of time focused on adjusting to life with a new baby- tends to focus on the baby, and not on your marriage relationship (Pirak, Helping Your Relationship).

This is normal, but there are things you can do to ease the relationship strain and set yourself up for an even more meaningful relationship than ever before!

This shouldn’t be scary. Having and raising a child together is a very special (and some would even say sacred) experience between a husband and wife! You created something remarkable, out of your love for each other. And this new life depends on you both to keep it safe and love it. Life as a couple CAN and SHOULD still be exciting, fun, and happy. How is this possible, when all you can think about is your sweet baby and about how you want your pre-baby body back?

1. Love yourself/don’t be hard on yourself: Your husband’s confidence is increased when he feels he can make you happy. Accept his compliments. Let him show you that he loves you. Stop being so hard on yourself, because guess what? He sees your body as amazing and beautiful, and you should, too.
2. Make time for yourself: Let your hubby know that you will be happier and feel more like yourself if you can have some self-care time regularly. Believe me, if he knows that you taking regular time for yourself means that you’ll be happier and that you’ll feel more womanly (*insert Natural Woman song here*) he will INSIST that you take that time. 🙂 )
3. GO ON DATES: This is extremely important!!! You cannot neglect this part of your relationship. Continue to date each other and, if possible, try to make date night a regular thing. And I’m talking date night WITHOUT KIDS. (It’s understandable that you may have to bring a new baby with you for the first few months though. 🙂 )
4. Rely on him: Your husband is your best friend, your partner, your lover. Rely on him and remember that you don’t have to do this whole parenting thing alone!

Have fun with your new baby and your growing family, and have fun with your hubby. 🙂

Suggested reading:

Helping Your Relationship Survive a New Baby

And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives (book by John Gottman)