A Letter to My Boys

My sweet boys,

I wish I could tell you with words just how much I love you! But there aren’t enough words.

I wish you could see how my heart is so much bigger since each of you came into my life. I always knew that I wanted to be a mom, but WOW- I had no idea just how in love I would be with a little person that I bring into the world. Each of you have truly changed my life, made me a better, kinder, gentler, more whole- of a person.

If I could make sure that I accomplish ONE thing as your mother, it would be that you never doubt my love for you. Out of everything I teach you, out of everything I do wrong in raising you (despite my best efforts), I want more than anything for you to know that I WILL LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT. There is nothing you could do that would ever make me love you any less.

And that love is a lot. Think of how impossible it would be to try to count the pieces of sand on a beach. That amount isn’t even as big as my love for you. This love grows stronger and stronger as you get older, and it will always be this way.

I want you to know some things:

-Life is hard. It often isn’t fair or just. People you love will hurt your feelings, even break your heart sometimes. But this is because the more you love someone, the more it hurts when they make a mistake. This is how we are designed! Our souls are meant to feel strongly and deeply, for the good and for the bad. Even though life is sometimes really hard and there will be times you question whether everything will be okay, take my word for it: EVERYTHING WILL ALWAYS BE OKAY. Just keep going, keep trying.

-You don’t have to be perfect to be a good person. Just do your best! Try to be kind and good. As your mom, I know you best- and you ARE sweet, kind, good, and wonderful!

-Don’t let anybody tell you that boys have to be a certain way. No two boys are the same! You can and SHOULD cry and be vulnerable. You can do the activities you want to do and be passionate about the things that speak to your heart.

-Self-esteem comes from within. No one else can make you feel less or more than you are, unless you let them. You are capable of amazing things, just the way you are. Self-love and self-acceptance is one of the keys to happiness.

-As much as I love you, Heavenly Father and Jesus love you even more! They are always mindful of you and want more than anything for you to be happy and to feel peace. Pray to them every day, and you will be on the right path to peace and joy.

-Women are your equals. In fact, everyone is equal! All races, religions, cultures, and genders, are equal in God’s eyes. Treat everyone the way you want to be treated. Treat every girl and woman you come across with gentleness and respect. Even though we want to be treated equally and feel that we are as strong as men, we also want to be taken care of lovingly by the men in our lives.

Each of you are the joy of mine and Daddy’s lives. We are so proud of you! We love you, and we hope that you always know this.

Love forever and ever,

Mommy

Helping a Child Cope with the Death of a Grandparent

2018 was an exhausting year for me and for my family. Although we dealt with a lot of uncertainty and heartache, we learned and grew and are better off for it.

One of the hardships we faced was the death of my husband’s mother. She was an amazing lady who left an unforgettable legacy of love, loyalty, and faith. She was diagnosed with liver cancer and passed away about 2 months later. Liver cancer is a cruel and painful disease, so it was actually a tender mercy for my mother-in-law that she didn’t have to suffer with it for very long. My husband, his family, and I feel peace that Mom is happy now and that we will all see her again.

I didn’t really know how to tell my sons that their grandma was going to die soon. We didn’t tell them immediately after we found out about the cancer diagnosis. We waited to tell them until it was pretty clear that treatment wasn’t going to work and that her time was limited. My husband and I just sat our boys down (they were 4 and 2 years old) and told them, “you know how Grandma has been sick? Well, she is going to die soon.” And our 4 year old’s response was, “it’s okay. Jesus made it so we’ll be alive again!” We then had a brief discussion about how when we die, our spirit leaves our body; but when we are resurrected someday, our spirit and our body come back together and we will live forever and ever! He knew some- if not all- of this already. But we wanted to make sure he understood that when someone dies, it’s a temporary thing.

My sweet boy’s perfectly hopeful reaction changed my perspective- and probably changed my life. I was taken aback by his response, although I guess I shouldn’t have been. Children understand more than what we give them credit for. Death is sad and can be scary, but it doesn’t have to be scary. Kids are practical and think in black and white- things are the way they are, and right is right and wrong is wrong. Not much gray area yet for those little ones.

So how do we teach our kids about something that we adults consider so difficult, so tragic, so heartbreaking? We want more than anything to protect our little ones from anything sad or scary. We just want them to be safe and happy. Well, something I realized from this experience is that children deserve to know the truth, and they will be able to handle it.

My husband and I want his mom to play a significant role in our lives, still. We want our kids to know her as much as they can without her being right here with us. But there is no doubt in my mind that she is with us still, watching over her family.

I know that not everyone has religion in their life, but it is central to mine. I am grateful that my family has the hopeful perspective that no one is really dead forever, that family relationships are eternal, and that Jesus Christ made it possible for all of us to have our bodies back. And I am grateful for sweet sons who remind me to have faith, hope, and joy.

From this experience, I learned that the most important things a parent should do for their children when a grandparent dies are:

1. Be specific and honest about what’s happening. Don’t be vague. And don’t assume that just because they’re kids, they can’t handle the truth. Kids can get confused if you don’t tell them what is happening. If you have a faith, use this time to talk about what you believe about death.
2. Give lots of hugs and be present for your kids. Let yourself be vulnerable and let them see you cry. Death is a sad thing, because we don’t want the people we love to be gone. Kids should see that their parents feel deeply and love deeply. Mourn together, but also show them that you are hopeful for the future and know that everything will be okay.
3. Make an effort to keep the grandparent part of your family. I don’t want my kids to forget their grandma’s face. I want them to know stories about her. We believe that we will see her again, and this brings us a lot of hope. We know that we will be a family forever.

How to Keep a Baby or Kid Journal

I’m curious: Do you keep a journal for your babies and kids? I know some people who do and some people who don’t. My husband’s mom kept one, and my mom did not. I don’t think there’s any RIGHT way for a parent to document a child’s growth/life, but I do feel it is really important to document it somehow.

How I Got Started with a Baby/Kid Journal

When I was newly pregnant with my first baby, I knew that I wanted to keep a pregnancy journal. Honestly, I can’t remember how I came up with that idea, or if I came across it somewhere, but it just sounded like something I should do! So I went out and bought a little journal and I started writing in it. I wrote fairly often during that pregnancy, everything from how I felt about doctor’s appointments to how excited I was to meet my baby.

After my baby was born, I didn’t stop writing in his journal! I thought, “well I might as well keep going!” I wrote down all of the big milestones in his life and tried to write my feelings about those milestones. I would also try to randomly write little notes in there for him to tell him how I felt about him. So, I decided this journal would become my son’s journal- not just a pregnancy journal or a baby journal, but a journal for his whole childhood!

I still write in this journal, just not as often as I used to. I still try to write down the big milestones that happen in my son’s life, scattered throughout with notes of affection for him.

 

I do this same thing with my second-oldest son! It has been an extremely rewarding experience for me. I don’t know if I have some sort of complex or irrational fear about forgetting important things or losing important memories, but keeping journals for my sweet boys has helped me feel like I am preserving their precious baby-hoods, toddler hoods, and childhoods. I know that pictures are amazing and I am so grateful that we have these to also preserve our memories, but I feel there is something special about a mother writing ABOUT her child and TO her child as the child grows up. I think I plan on giving these journals to my children when they leave home… that way they can look back and see how much I enjoyed raising them. I hope it gives them strength and comfort that they are LOVED and cherished.

How to Keep a Baby/Kid Journal (Without Losing Your Mind)

After my oldest son was born, I got a little overwhelmed as I tried to keep up with his milestones and write them all down! They grow so fast, and life gets so busy; it’s hard to keep up! So I came up with a system to help me keep up. This is what I suggest:

 

1. Get the Google docs app on your phone. This has seriously been a lifesaver for me. Create a document for your child’s journal.
2. When your child does something you want to remember (or something you want him or her to remember), WRITE IT DOWN in your phone, in Google docs. It gives me such peace of mind knowing that my kids’ journal entries are safely stored in Google docs.
3. When you have some downtime (because that happens all the time, right? 😉 ), copy (as in, hand write) the journal entries from Google docs into the physical journal. KEEP the Google docs journal even after the entries are transferred. (Sometimes I don’t transfer the journal entries into the physical journal until months after I wrote the entries in my Google docs!)

 

You can skip step 3 if you decide to keep the baby/kid journal digital. Personally, I like having the physical journal and handwriting the entries. But there’s nothing wrong with keeping a journal digitally. It’s all still your words to your child!

This method helps keep me sane as I try to keep up with 2 kids’ milestones, funny moments, difficult moments, and love letters I want to write to them. I get the best of both worlds…. Keeping up with the things I want to remember about them, while still getting to physically write the entries into a physical journal.

How do you preserve your children’s milestones? I’d love to hear about what other parents do!

To the Boy Moms: Your Boys Want YOU

“Little boy, you remind me how so much depends on days made of now” (“Little Boy”, Alison McGhee).

 

I’m kind of a girly-girl. I love all things pink, flowery, and sparkly. I was never in the least bit interested in toy trucks, dinosaurs, etc… Dolls were more of my thing. Yet, I now find myself being drawn to the trucks and dinosaurs as well as all things blue; my life is immersed in all things boy. I am the mom of two boys who have completely stolen my heart!

 

At first I wasn’t sure how I would handle a boy. And then after I had fallen in love with my role as a boy mom, I wasn’t sure how I’d handle two of them! But little did I know that the second one would be just as precious, just as scrumptious, just as perfect as the first one. In fact, because of these two little people, my heart has grown about 100 sizes. I wouldn’t trade my role as their mother for anything in the whole universe.

 

Here are some things about having sons that have caught me by surprise.

 

5 Reasons Having Boys Isn’t What I Expected:

1) Sons are mamas’ boys.

 

I will forever tell my boys that they are never too old or too cool to hug their mom.

 

2) Boys are very snuggly.

 

My boys are so snuggly and kissable. They love to give me hugs and kisses! (And they love to hug each other!)

 

3) Moms of boys feel a lot of pressure to raise good men.

 

Don’t we all feel that our world could use more men who are kind, thoughtful, and honest? All little boys grow up to be men- moms with sons take their job seriously and often fret over their ability to raise those boys well.

 

4) Boys are sensitive.

Contrary to what society tries to instill in us, boys are naturally sensitive, gentle, and kind. They receive pressure, as they grow up, to be more “manly”, which often implies them “needing” to become more aggressive and less sensitive. No, a true man is not aggressive and insensitive. The men I know who exemplify true manhood are sensitive to others, kind, thoughtful, and respectful of women.

 

I feel a huge responsibility to raise good boys in a world that wants them to be selfish and tells them that they shouldn’t love themselves unless they fit a certain “manly” mold.

 

5) I often feel that my heart might burst with how much love I have for these boys of mine.

After a day filled with lots of pee, poop (LOTS of poop), chasing, reading, growling, laughing, and snuggling, I watch my sweet boys as they sleep and can’t believe that they are MINE- that I get to raise them, teach them, and love them. As much as I wish time would just slow down and let them be little for longer, I can’t wait to experience crazy life with these guys and watch them grow into men with their own unique personalities, talents, and dreams.

 

 

Nothing could have prepared me for the way I would feel about my sons. I feel a little piece of Heaven when I kiss their chubby little cheeks and hold their soft little hands.

 

Moms of boys, ENJOY your sons. The thing they want most is YOU- your love, your affection, your attention.

 

 

“No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you’re the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside” (Unknown).

How to Talk About Hard Things With Your Spouse

I know we don’t usually discuss marriage topics, but I think this is an important one to write about. As a parent, your relationship with your significant other is crucial to the overall health of your family, and to the health of your kids.

 

Something my husband and I had to learn early-on in our marriage was how to talk to each other about hard things. When we got married, we thought we knew how to talk to one another. But we quickly learned that we still had a lot to learn! We found it difficult to be completely open with each other about things that bothered us, mistakes we made, things we needed, etc.

It is vitally important for married couples to talk, talk, talk to each other- about everything! It can get easy to keep things to ourselves- anything from something our spouse did to annoy us to a mistake we made that our spouse should know about. When you’re tempted to keep things from your companion, remember this: Secrecy destroys intimacy.

 

Based on what I have learned in my few years of marriage to my hubby, combined with principles I studied in my field in college (Marriage and Family Studies), I’ve come up with a few tips to help couples communicate with each other effectively. (Actually, these tips can be applied to dating and engaged couples as well!)

 

-Find a setting that works for you both and set safe boundaries.

Sometimes it’s appropriate to bring things up right away, and other times it’s better to wait until later. For example, it probably isn’t appropriate to bring up to your spouse something about your sexual relationship when you’re at the store together…. However, it would be totally appropriate to tell your spouse while you’re at the store together, that you have something on your mind that you want to talk about later at home. Find a place that works for you both, a place that makes you both feel safe and calm. It can be harmful if spouses bring up sensitive or difficult topics around other people, including their children. (I do believe that it’s healthy for kids to occasionally witness their parents disagreeing (or even arguing) if the parents show that they try to solve the disagreement/problem together, and always with respect toward each other.) For instance, if you chew your spouse out while at dinner with your parents, your spouse will probably feel embarrassed! Talk to each other about what settings you prefer for discussing relationship things. The bottom line: Be sensitive to your spouse’s feelings and be aware of who’s watching when you’re talking about difficult things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-Don’t be threatening.

Your spouse is most likely to listen to you and less likely to get defensive if you approach them in a kind, calm way. Obviously, sometimes topics need to be brought up immediately when you may not have time or opportunity to compose yourself just right. But it is important that you try to make your partner feel safe- not attacked.

-Show that you’re a safe confidant.

The way you react to the things your spouse tells you will set a precedent; the way you react will ultimately encourage or discourage your spouse. Of course, it’s okay to let your spouse know when they have hurt you, but there is a difference between making your feelings known and freaking out. Even though it can be really hard to do, it is important that you try to show your spouse that you are someone they can come to for ANYTHING. If they can’t come to you, then who else??? Each couple is different, so I won’t say that there’s a specific way you should react in order to keep your marital trust in tact. But, here’s a simple tip: Think about how you would want your spouse to react to you if the roles were reversed.

-Have realistic expectations.

I’m not a believer of NO expectations (some believe that expectations are a no-no because they will ultimately not be met and therefore cause disappointment and resentment). I’ve adopted the philosophy that people are entitled to expect certain behaviors from their companions in life (such as respect, kindness, and support), but that these expectations should be realistic. If it is extremely important to you that you work outside of the home after having kids, then make sure your spouse understands this need of yours and make it known that you expect support in this decision. (Hopefully spouses have already talked about these kinds of things before the wedding day. 🙂 ) Don’t be afraid to make your needs and desires known; but remember that you are in a partnership with your spouse, so you need to also be respectful of and willing to understand their realistic expectations and needs.

-Remember that your spouse CANNOT read your mind.

Do NOT assume that your spouse will just magically know what you need! This is not a realistic expectation. Even though your spouse knows you better than anyone else, you do not share a brain; you need to be open with your spouse about what you’re thinking, feeling, and doing.

 

 

Sometimes spouses have to talk about not-so-fun things. And that’s okay. That’s part of marriage, and part of life! Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable to each other! Vulnerability can bring you closer together and encourages intimacy. Rely on each other as you navigate the journey of life together!